That’s Unfortunate
If you took all the knowledge in the world, what percent do you think you have? How much do you really know?
We seem to be blinded by our own knowledge and often overestimate its scope. In our bubble, it seems to be substantial, at least compared to the village idiot.
The beautiful thing about knowledge is that there are reminders all around us. Reminders that we don’t know much about anything. Just because the bird nerd knows what kind of bird it is doesn’t mean he actually “knows” anything about it. The curiosity seems to be usurped by the label.
The label is comforting and builds pride… and you know where pride leads.
So the next time you see something and say:
“Aw, that’s unfortunate.” Remember, you don’t have the power to judge something as “unfortunate.” You only “know” part of the story.
Easy Button
Doing the hard thing right now ain’t easy.
Hitting the easy button is easy but it makes it much harder later.
Tomorrow you pay for the easy button you pressed yesterday.
But if you do the hard thing now the easy comes later and typically lasts.
You’ll never regret doing the hard thing first.
Pro Tip: Quiet your mind because it defaults to the “mañana” mentality. You are human and your nature loves the path of least resistance.
Our 30th
Jenn and I have been married for 30 years today. I’ve learned a few things along the way.
There are two words that matter more than any of them - Thank You
Assuming malice will make your life miserable
She respects me and it’s like oxygen
She believes in me and it’s like rocket fuel
Just because you validate her doesn’t mean you agree
Keep short accounts. If something ain’t right say something
Pray together
Ask for what you need (longings are not needs)
You want the same outcome in 99% of your arguments
Listen to her feelings. Logic is for another time.
It’s a full time job being married to me. Love you babe!
New Adventure
Fitness gives you access. Fitness matters.
I was talking to a friend who had lost a significant amount of weight. He described being trapped in a sedentary prison full of aches, pains, and malaise.
He was robbed of much more than he thought. It wasn’t just angry knees and shortness of breath. It wasn’t just low energy and a sluggish metabolism.
He discovered he was missing out.
“I’m seeing things a fat guy would never see!” as he described a recent hike. “I’m able to get on the floor and engage with my grandkids.”
Fitness gives you options, fitness keeps you ready, fitness is a must.
Grinning ear to ear, he said…. “It’s a whole new adventure!"
Peace
Everyone likes personal peace. The most peaceless people are those who try to defend it. They put forth tremendous effort micro-managing their environment and circumstances.
This controlling approach will likely make you angry. Ultimately, you are in charge of the feeling of peacefulness.
Why not exude peace instead of trying to force it? It comes from within, it comes from your maker.
Sunday Blues
If a wave of dread comes over you on Sunday afternoons maybe it’s time… time to do something else. The situation you find yourself in is largely your fault. There have been many forks in the road, things you’ve tolerated, and difficult conversations you have not had.
The perceived pain of change slightly outweighs the pain of staying put.
Another day, another week, another year.
Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the root of your dread.
Keep living for the weekends or start living.
You decide.
Contributing Factors
The best way to collapse all hope for happiness is to confuse contributing and determining factors. If you make contributing factors your determining factors you lose the ability to be content.
Let’s suppose a bird shits on your head this morning. [Contributing Factor]
As a result, you believe your day is ruined. [Determining Factor]
The contributing factor is the objective event of a bird defecating and gravity doing its job. The subjective interpretation of the contributing factor determines how it affects you.
Please remember, the external occurrence only has the power you give it.
Hat Tip to Myron Golden
Mental Health
Avoiding difficult situations, tough conversations, and defending your comfort in the name of mental health will make you weak. Someone who is mentally healthy has solid boundaries, a firmly planted identity and actively exercises the emotional muscles needed in life.
Taking a “Mental Health” day is fine as long as you aren’t avoiding something hard.
Leveraging the excuse of “Mental Health” to avoid discomfort is cowardly at best. A mentally healthy person doesn’t perpetuate fragility.
Next time the hill gets steep and slippery, don’t misunderstand it for a threat to your mental health. It’s an opportunity to put your grippy boots on, grab your walking stick and climb the damn hill.
Defensiveness
Allow your snap defensiveness to be a clue. A clue that your identity is misplaced.
“If I do good, then I am good.”
“If they like me, then I’m likeable.”
“If I have it, then I’m valuable.”
“If I control it, then I’m safe.”
“Because that awful thing happened to me, I am the victim from now on.”
The source of most defensiveness is misplaced identity. We all have limiting beliefs, but they don’t have to hold us back. The quick path to a new frame is to find a firm, stable identity. You must acknowledge the core sense of who you are and what you are worth can only come from a soul connected to the creator.
The black hole in your chest will yearn but never be satisfied until you do.
I checked.
Mad?
When someone is mad and seems to stay that way, it’s probably serving them in some way.
“What are you mad at?”
It’s easy to get an answer, and it’s rarely the real answer. It’s not because they are lying to you… it’s because they’ve decided. Decided on a villain. The villain is just a receptacle for misplaced anger. The villain justifies and validates their anger and gives them permission to fume.
Don’t forget, putting a villain in the crosshairs is much easier than peeling back the layers.
Peas in a Pod
It’s nice to have close relationships. You are on the same wavelength.
“We are like two peas in a pod… always on the same page.”
“They just get me.”
So why do we get into all these arguments? Most of the time you want the exact same thing so why all the trouble?
Most disagreements are a symptom of laziness. Laziness in the communication realm.
“They should know what I’m thinking…”
You likely take your time articulating your thoughts, plans, and ideas to acquaintances and almost never have misunderstandings.
Take a deep breath and stop short-cutting your communications. Be clear and set the assumptions aside and watch your arguments melt away.
State the Obvious
If you want to be annoying or unhelpful, state the obvious. When someone is in the arena doing something difficult stating the obvious from the stands seems like the helpful thing to do.
“You need to hit the ball on the green, if you keep slicing it you’ll never make par, you need to learn to have more control.”
The golfer’s number one goal is to get the ball in the hole. He is doing everything he can to hit the ball where he is aiming. Highlighting the undesired outcome makes you look like a fool… unless you are playing for money.
That Friend
To make it simple, if someone says one of these things, they are likely not your friend.
“You never call.”
“Hope you aren’t working too hard and missing out on what really matters.”
“Oh now you’re too busy for us little people?”
“Gosh, you’ve really filled out since I saw you last.”
“Wow, you got lucky huh?"
“I almost didn’t recognize you.”
“You can afford that? Must be nice…”
“You used to be more fun.”
Deep inside you know who your real friends are. They are the ones who are healthy enough to celebrate your successes and comfort you in loss. They are the ones without expectations. They are the ones who have their own life to live alongside yours. They are the ones you don’t talk to for a season but can pick up right where you left off.
You only need a few.
Stick with them and you’ll end up on higher ground.
Not My Monkey
Everyone has a backpack to carry and the only time you should offer support is when their backpack is way too heavy. Stepping in to take their normal backpack as an act of “love” is damaging. “But they need my steadying hand!” While they walk a little lighter and a little freer, none the wiser to his own unused strength. This becomes a fine arrangement at first glance but a trap for both.
The problem with such a habit is that before long, neither of you knows how to stand upright on your own two feet. You are confused by where your backbone ends and his begins. You are smashed by weight that isn’t yours and the other guy’s muscles are atrophied.
There is a pretty big difference between being helpful and making it about you. Do you ever grab someone’s problem and make it your own? Isn’t that being empathetic? Isn’t that the loving thing to do?
Nope.
Trying hard to control the outcomes for someone else is classic codependency, first cousin to selfishness, and is double-dipped in resentment.
Not my monkey, not my circus…
Stray Cat
Generosity over time is typically forgotten. When someone is perpetually open-handed the benefactor will likely stop noticing. It's human nature, not malice.
At first, they thank you… then they expect you… then they resent you for not giving more. When the well dries up, don't be surprised if you get a tantrum. Over time they have convinced themselves that it is rain from the sky, not sweat from the brow.
What starts as generosity often ends as obligation in the eyes of the receiver.
Your teenager slams their bedroom door and you calmly remove said door:
"Dad… why did you take my door?!?!"
"Whose door?"
It's worth noticing the generosity all around you and calling it out.
If you feed a stray cat every day and decide to stop, it won't mourn the loss of your kindheartedness it will hiss at the injustice of missing a meal.
We do it to God daily… unlike the depraved man, I'm glad He never runs out of patience.
It’s Complicated
What is the psychological reason for complicating things that should be simple?
It’s usually rooted in perfectionism. If a perfectionist has a choice to make, the fear of making a mistake leads to a firehose of complexity. It should only take three steps so let's add some extra steps to anesthetize the unpredictability. Sophistication creates an illusion of control.
“You have no idea how long I’ve been working on this.”
Sometimes it leads to the “best” solution, but at what expense? A solution that is good would have taken 10% of the time and kept the project moving forward.
Make sure you have some haphazard people in the room or you’ll likely be optimizing things that shouldn’t exist.
Thermostat
Removing yourself from certain situations is a healthy move. The tone is not your vibe so you move on. You walked in the room and you felt the negativity in your bones, like a dark cloud or a spirit of weight. Sometimes you can just hightail it out of there… but what if you can’t?
There is magic in setting the tone.
Imagine standing in line at the DMV. It’s a long line and everyone wants it to be over, including the staff. At that moment you are at a crossroads.
Do I remain a thermometer or do I become the thermostat?
A thermometer would say. This sucks and I just want to get out of here. “Why is the government so inefficient?"
A thermostat would engage the person in line. “Man this reminds me of taking my drivers test when I was 16. I barely passed. Where did you take your driver’s test? How did you do? What kind of car was it?”
A thermostat isn’t measuring the vibe but attempts to direct it. Thermometers want to be led, so lead them.
Manhole
Painful emotions are hard to deal with. Especially when they are keeping you from growth. Most keep them under the manhole cover and play like there is nothing below. It’s easy to do because the cover weighs 200lb and it’s a busy street.
Why bother?
Keeping the deeper issues at bay is only natural. Why bring it back up? I have things to do. I don’t need to revisit it. It’s in the past and I’m moving forward.
But are you really moving forward? What lurks below can be a force multiplier in a seemingly positive way. But eventually it will stop you in your tracks.
It’s only a matter of time.
It’s better to be brave and slide the manhole cover and make friends with the painful parts. Too heavy? Hire a pro to help.
Staying stuck is fearfully choosing the pain you do know over the pain you don’t.
Karen
“Karen” videos crack me up. They lose their mind, slide deep into their lizard brain and are in scorched earth mode. What got them there is never available unless you want to spend half a day reaching out to said Karen. So you accept the thin depiction and laugh at the spectacle.
It’s hilarious because we often feel the same way. Karen likely has been keeping things at bay. She’s been tolerant for a very long time. She’s been “patient” as the frustrations accrue.
A better approach is keeping short accounts with these frustrations. Stuffing them delays the inevitable. Stuff them long enough and you lose your shit. Patience is a virtue but a well placed boundary combined with gentle confrontation will keep you integrated.
Being endlessly tolerant will increase your chances of going viral.
Elephant
Facts have a nagging way of chasing us around. When you are in denial about something the truth follows you around like a stray dog. The denial causes you to ignore the discomfort of the truth and entrench us in our skewed convictions. If we abandon our misplaced convictions it can feel even worse. So we deny and protect.
When you invest a lot of energy into an idea, it makes it very difficult to see the big picture. If it’s a long standing, head in the sand situation, the denial has many layers of juicy rationalizations. If you say things to yourself enough times it feels like the truth. The stray dog remains but he’s not as close.
Denial is a trap so watch out for your convictions. Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean they can protect you from the facts.
Life’s too short to sweep the elephant under the rug.